Monday, February 23, 2015

Confession

E broke up with me. 43 days ago. And this is the very first time that I'm telling anyone.


As you can imagine, I have not been up to going out or calling to catch up much lately. Luckily, our real winter has totally covered for me as I have been snowed in many times. I have been perfectly functional though. My boss has asked me, "What's wrong?" just once and has unfortunately seen a brief outburst of tears but I cannot talk about it since it's important to remain professional at work. To my co-workers, friends, family and residents who have asked me about my relationship, I am deeply sorry for omitting the truth/ even lying, simply saying it's rough and crafting a quick story for Valentine's Day. I'm not used to doing so. I am trying to deal with it the best I can. The truth is... I am heartbroken. I possess endless patience for others, but that is certainly not the case in regards to myself. I am trying to be nice to myself. I am grieving my loss. It's just my second step in getting over someone is to realize that maybe he's not for me, to make the conscious decision to move on, even if moving on is still a gray area rather than black-and-white. That hasn't happened. I still want to be with him, with the man I love. Without going into detail, he's definitely worth waiting for.


Again, you shouldn't hate him. He's wonderful.

He calls me "Bella."
imbr0gli0 via maybe.lisa via Pinterest

I feel like I want to be ready for the next step in my life, hence this post in this personal journal of mine. Writing this is actually a small step in itself. I am a very happy person and wouldn't want to remain this sad for long. I usually plan every last detail of my April birthday celebration by the end of January, and it's the end of February and I still have no idea what I'd love to do. I want to blossom again for upcoming spring, a season for rebirth.

I took Philadelphia off the table when I fell in love, hoping to move in with him instead; he happens to live in another city I love, in an amazing location within that city at that. Now, I pretty much block my thinking about where I want to move next, as long as it's out of my hometown. As goal-oriented and future-minded that I am, it feels incredibly odd to not have a solid short-term plan and goal. ...but I do know that I need to give myself some time. When I'm ready emotionally, I do want a major life change.

This post is not intended to have people feel sorry for me and definitely not to send a message to E (since we're not speaking and he knows about this blog). I do not want attention. I just needed to do something to begin to move forward with my life. As an INFJ, verbalizing my thoughts truly helps. I should really talk to a friend about specifics or at least write it down on paper, even if it gets trashed immediately. I adore my readers and so, wish to request that you are patient with me. I don't feel amazingly fabulous at this time, and as a result, I may not be working on my blog daily, therefore, publishing a bit less than I would want to. You can still expect to learn about one of my simple pleasures every Sunday however.

If this post were to have a message, then I would really want it to say: Be kind. You never know what a person is going through, be it a break up or something much worse. Furthermore, be there for one another. "I'm here for you." is a simple yet amazingly perfect and strong statement. Also, if you need help, please reach out to a friend, family member or the appropriate resource. Honestly, that's at least partially what they're there for.




6 comments:

  1. Michelle, I want to give you a hug! Being heartbroken sucks and you can take your time grieving and crying and cry some more until you can't open your eyes. We all process our grieving differently. Like you said you're a happy person and won't be sad for long. It's ok to not to be feeling fabulous right now. I'm here for you. Lots of hugs from Bangkok:) Ping xoxoxox

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  2. I'm sorry you are hurting, Michelle. I agree with your message to be kind. May your heart find comfort and peace. {{hugs}}

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  3. Be good to yourself, listen to your heart, take the time you need... There are good things out there waiting for you, I promise :-)

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  4. I once lived in the gray area you speak of for a very long time trying to decide about a man I was in love with. Despite everyone's advice to forget about him it happened in my own time and it took awhile but finally one day I woke up and I knew I was ready. It's important to be patient with yourself. Take good care of you!

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    1. Even though he is absolutely amazing and pretty perfect in every other way than the reason we broke up, it is actually better for us to go our separate ways. I am an idealist as well as patient, strong and devoted, but this circumstance can simply be too much. I know this now; I write this now. I should start to dwell upon it to try to get over him and move on with my life. He wants to be a happy memory for me and he definitely will be. I wish for eventual contact though. Even with a slow start, I've definitely been making progress lately and will try to heal as best as I can. Never doubt the power of a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with chocolate syrup, whipped cream and sprinkles! :)

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  5. When I posted this, I didn't crave attention. In fact, I scheduled the following post to publish only a minute after this one so that it wouldn't be my last post, thus this post wouldn't appear on other blogrolls and it would receive fewer hits. But, now I am glad that my regulars read it and that I received comments. I am truly touched by all of your support and kind words. Words mean a lot to me and these touched my heart. I sincerely thank you.

    Writing this post truly helped me. Characteristic of an INFJ, I probably felt that this would be the best thing I could do (based on what I could handle at the time being in such pain) instinctively, but I was unable to articulate that to myself. I said I should really discuss it with a friend or pour my heart out on paper in the post, but I actually haven't done so. I don't need to. I didn't have any idea just how much writing a post like this, acting on that feeling to do something (anything!) to move forward and not be so stuck, would do for me emotionally.

    This weekend is big for me as I finally feel ready to start to move on. I have made a lot of progress in the last 24 hours. It almost feels too new to even be writing it! If you can believe it, I actually applied for a job in a city this evening. After daydreaming about a possible new life. Also today, I barely agreed to meet with a (kinda pushy yet wonderful) friend (the one who writes me those long poems at Christmas) for a working late lunch or coffee break to review my resumes and cover letters, tentatively on Monday afternoon. She said she would allow me to cancel but I don't think I will.

    So... I feel much better than I was. Thank you again, my dear readers.

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